The worst feedback I’ve ever received (and how to do better!)

If feedback results in shame or intimidation you’re doing it wrong.

The sole purpose of feedback is to encourage employees to reach their fullest potential in order to be more efficient and successful in their job.

Story time. Keep reading to the end to learn some powerful lessons in leadership and workplace culture!

Many years ago I had a job I LOVED. I not only loved the work, my job, and the nonprofit I worked for but I also loved my Director. She was appreciative what I brought to the table while constantly giving me invaluable feedback. She knew how to fun with our team and how to lead a thoughtful and professional meeting. She embodied the values of our organization through each and every interaction and knew the power of community involvement and staff support.

A few years into my time there, she left to have a baby and was replaced by someone who was the complete opposite. In the months immediately before and after her departure, everyone left due to unrelated circumstances and I was left by myself to carry on the internal knowledge and history of the organization. He immediately started to make changes, which he attributed to his many years of experience and expertise. However, he was brand new to the state and community that we served, so I felt as if it was important to share with him how this specific place and its people operated. After all, he spent most of his days holed up in his office instead of getting to know the people.

I watched as my beloved nonprofit turned from one of positivity, fun, and teamwork to one that was cold, top-down hierarchy, and intimidation.

Oh and did I forget to mention? We worked with KIDS. How can you not know how to have fun when an entire organization is founded on the silliness of youth and the power of relationships?

As a young leader who was accomplished in her field but didn’t have all the necessary tools to effectively communicate, I struggled. I would get upset as I would see another major change happen that I felt was ignoring the community needs or the current programs that I was leading. For example, he started new programs and initiatives that he had started in old jobs but weren’t always successful. He also would start these without feedback from the community or staff while the current successful and beloved community programs had major gaps in funding.

I did not understand how this made sense. And so I would say something. Every time.

We did not have regularly scheduled 1:1 meetings so our main communication was during team meetings or through email. If I expressed a concern in a team meeting, he would immediately send me an email telling me that it was inappropriate or insubordinate to disagree with him in front of everyone. If it was through email, he would do the same.

I started to become very stressed in all of our interactions while desperately wanting to preserve the current positive impact for the kids and positive workplace culture that we used to have. Again, as a young leader I definitely had a lot to learn and did not handle this well.

After months of this, he finally addressed the issue through what he called a Counseling Memo, a written document that was attached as an email. At the top it explicitly said that this was a confidential piece of communication that was not subject to grievances. He said that he was concerned about my ability to be on board with the changes happening through my continued expression of concern regarding programmatic and organizational culture change. He said that the Board was excited about the new strategic vision (which again had no staff or broader community feedback) and that if I wanted to be a part of this then I could play a role. If I did not “enthusiastically embrace this change” then I was encouraged to seek out other job opportunities.

I responded, and did my best to highlight what I was excited about and appreciated about what he brought to the table. I agreed that I had been struggling because I was used to working in a place that was positive, fun, and team-oriented. I then outlined my ideas and thoughts around the potential new programs from my own experience, expertise, and what I loved about my job, along with current research and what I’ve seen work well in the community. Finally, I emphasized that I did want to stay, and that I was hoping we could collaborate together to make the nonprofit even stronger.

This did not go well.

I received a second Counseling Memo, which cherry picked quotes from my letter in which he made sweeping conclusions about how I must be feeling and that clearly I did not “enthusiastically embrace” everything that was already happening. He told me that a Counseling Memo was not a “negotiating instrument” but to clearly outline his expectations that I must meet. He ended the memo by stating that clearly I do not embrace the changes and that I am strongly encouraged to consider if this is the right fit for me.

So what lessons can we learn from this?

• First of all, if you’re a new hired leader you must first get to know the staff and community while building relationships. Making sudden changes without knowledge of what is already going well and what the current needs are will create instability and be destined to fail (which they eventually did).

• Feedback should be delivered in person. It is far too easy for tone to be misunderstood and therefore result in a stressed out employee who spirals into shame.

• Feedback should be used to uplift and empower someone to their fullest potential in order to be better at their job. If it results in shame, intimidation, stress, or confusion it won’t be effective.

• Explicitly stating that something is not subject to a grievance is isolating and unethical, and could even result in the employee feeling scared if they were to seek out emotional support from a coworker or another leader. By the way, I did end up filing a grievance at the advisement of a colleague from another organization, in which the Chair of the Board told me that she didn’t see any issues and that maybe I misunderstood what he was trying to convey.

• This whole process made me feel scared and threatened, like I was being forced out or in danger of being fired.

• Telling an employee that they must “enthusiastically embrace” something in order to meet the director’s expectation is intimidating and confusing feedback. All humans are going to have various emotional experiences and it is more effective to ask how they feel about their fit to the organization instead of being prescriptive.

• Experiences where employees are left feeling scared, threatened, intimidated, unvalidated, unheard, unseen, and uneasy are not effective leadership strategies.

• Workplaces should demonstrate their values through the culture. It is also important to invite ways to have fun as a team to help ease the burden and stress of the job!

• Top-down management that does not include feedback and opinions from the people who are doing the actual work is ineffective. You will end up missing major blindspots and have disempowered employees.

• The old way of managing through intimidation is incredibly outdated and no longer appropriate in order to have a successful business.

I loved my job and the kids so much that I ended up just sucking it up and stayed for another year. The reason I eventually quit was because there was not enough money to pay me for a full time position and therefore was offered a half time one.

And listen, I know I had a lot to learn too. I did not behave perfectly. And as the employee I definitely needed feedback and support that would help inspire my growth as a leader.

But I didn’t get that. The feedback was disempowering and I was left feeling scared and isolated. My health during this time suffered from the level of stress I was experiencing and by the last few months of my time there I was barely even sleeping.

So be better. Learn from my experiences so that no one else should have to feel scared, hopeless, and stressed to the point of mental and physical health issues. After all, the hardest part of a job should be the work itself, not navigating their boss.